Waking up, getting up
I finally got up yesterday after lying in a bed of lethargy for a long, long time.
Though I awoke much earlier than yesterday, my mind had been so sluggish and foggy that I didn't really feel like getting up. But yesterday, my mind just cleared up. I didn't want to waste any more time.
Grief manifests itself in not so obvious ways sometimes.
After my father died in '93, I just found myself divorcing my husband and leaving my fulltime job. I married my husband again after a few months (I think, I don't even recall now) but I decided not to go back teaching fulltime. I had to find time for my real love, which was the practice of art. Now, it has been thirteen years and I now accept the fact that I have failed in my pursuit. Aside from attending some art tutorials and doing some photography work for a few group exhibits, I really wasn't able to produce any serious work of art.
One has to have the time, the space and the quiet aside from the inspiration. Requirements that my circumstances never really allowed for me to enjoy. A cluttered apartment, grandchildren jumping around, lessons to be prepared and papers to be corrected, having to go to class every other day, doing some washing and cleaning. I had to give up!!!
Two years ago, I decided to stop teaching altogether. I had earned some money from real estate that I believed would last me for a year. I ran to Europe for a pleasure trip that fall. I thought I should get some rush first before I settled into helping my two siblings who were ailing at the time. One was a one-year kidney transplant alumnus and the other had full-blown diabetes plus a growingly serious number of complications. Sadly, my sister passed in January last year.
I think that made me more depressed.
More... because I was aware that before that I already had a tendency for depression. I would spend most time in bed and just stare at the ceiling. My mind was always working, but physically I was so sedate. Moreover, the last couple of years or so, my borderline diabetes was able to cross the border and I had to start on medications. This in addition to the ones I take for hypertension.
One year of self imposed sabbatical without pay passed but I still didn't want to go back to work. I rationalized I had to take care of my grandchildren. And I really did. I enjoyed them. Careerwise, though, I had been so unmotivated. (Though I would say taking some Extra Virgin Coconut Oil about six months ago, believe it or not, lifted my mood and spirits somewhat. No, this is not a plug-in for EVCO, though research has found that it is the new wonder food. I firmly believe it is good for lifting depression.)
A week ago, my medications for diabetes and hypertension were also replaced. I also believe this has something to do with my renewed energy and my clear head (though of course sometimes, I have had to deal with hypo- or hyperglycemia). Or it could be the realization that I have ran out of ways to juggle my savings and loans and that I could see the bottom of my money jar.
In any case, I am thankful. I am fully awake now.
Though I awoke much earlier than yesterday, my mind had been so sluggish and foggy that I didn't really feel like getting up. But yesterday, my mind just cleared up. I didn't want to waste any more time.
Grief manifests itself in not so obvious ways sometimes.
After my father died in '93, I just found myself divorcing my husband and leaving my fulltime job. I married my husband again after a few months (I think, I don't even recall now) but I decided not to go back teaching fulltime. I had to find time for my real love, which was the practice of art. Now, it has been thirteen years and I now accept the fact that I have failed in my pursuit. Aside from attending some art tutorials and doing some photography work for a few group exhibits, I really wasn't able to produce any serious work of art.
One has to have the time, the space and the quiet aside from the inspiration. Requirements that my circumstances never really allowed for me to enjoy. A cluttered apartment, grandchildren jumping around, lessons to be prepared and papers to be corrected, having to go to class every other day, doing some washing and cleaning. I had to give up!!!
Two years ago, I decided to stop teaching altogether. I had earned some money from real estate that I believed would last me for a year. I ran to Europe for a pleasure trip that fall. I thought I should get some rush first before I settled into helping my two siblings who were ailing at the time. One was a one-year kidney transplant alumnus and the other had full-blown diabetes plus a growingly serious number of complications. Sadly, my sister passed in January last year.
I think that made me more depressed.
More... because I was aware that before that I already had a tendency for depression. I would spend most time in bed and just stare at the ceiling. My mind was always working, but physically I was so sedate. Moreover, the last couple of years or so, my borderline diabetes was able to cross the border and I had to start on medications. This in addition to the ones I take for hypertension.
One year of self imposed sabbatical without pay passed but I still didn't want to go back to work. I rationalized I had to take care of my grandchildren. And I really did. I enjoyed them. Careerwise, though, I had been so unmotivated. (Though I would say taking some Extra Virgin Coconut Oil about six months ago, believe it or not, lifted my mood and spirits somewhat. No, this is not a plug-in for EVCO, though research has found that it is the new wonder food. I firmly believe it is good for lifting depression.)
A week ago, my medications for diabetes and hypertension were also replaced. I also believe this has something to do with my renewed energy and my clear head (though of course sometimes, I have had to deal with hypo- or hyperglycemia). Or it could be the realization that I have ran out of ways to juggle my savings and loans and that I could see the bottom of my money jar.
In any case, I am thankful. I am fully awake now.
posted by E. Deveras | 2:27 AM
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